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Sunday, April 18, 2010

Conflict

My mind's in conflict. A conflict of belief and fear. Belief in myself and fear that I will not be able to do justice to it. In this conflict I stand. The proposal is simple I have to sing a song in front of an audience. For many this would seem a trivial matter. Voice or no voice, what's there in a song? For those who know me well, know that I don't sing, not even "Happy Birthday". I am not even a bathroom singer.

I watch those around me trying to set their scales onto a Karaoke track. They start well but go off pitch on the high notes. They try again, lowering the scale this time. It's a matter of convenience. It's not about being professional, this show. It's about singing along. I haven't sang even a line for over a decade. Yet, this routine seems familiar. From a distant past, I remember singing on stage - in school and even at neighbourhood events in Pune. I'd even got a first class when I appeared the first time for the Hindustani Classical Music examination. I vaguely remember the ragas - bhupa, bhima palasi, sarang etc. But I can still recite the teen taal intact. It used to bring me joy, the singing.

But now when I try, it doesn't. It becomes more of an effort than a relief. I don't remember when I stopped singing and for what reason. I just stopped one day. After seven years of singing the nightingale lost her voice. I never even attempted to sing after that. When someone asked me for a song, I'd say, "I'll dance instead." I'm glad I still dance. It sets me free, unlike singing.

Today, I'll have to sing. No one's put the gun on me but it's one of the things you're expected to do in a crowd. It's like a mild trauma one has to overcome. It'll hurt, there will be tears but they'll be my own. I do believe I should try. I fear that I won't. I try to sing but my voice fails me. The conflict rages on...

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