Weird

"I have a question," my friend asked a few days back.

"What is it?"

"It's weird."

"Questions can't be weird. Answers maybe," I told her, egging her on.

"Are you the hugging/cuddling type?"

"No. Unless if it's a horse or a dog."

"Horse/dog is ok. I mean human. Especially women."

"Noooooooooo."

My friend was relieved. "I am glad there are two of us like that. I thought I was the only one who felt that way, like I am weird. Do don't know how good you've made me feel about myself."

"What brought this on?"

She went on to talk about how her girlfriends made fun of her when she wouldn't hug them.

"You are what you are," I told her, "And that's perfectly ok."

The conversation ended there but my thoughts didn't.

Physical intimacy has always been difficult for me. A friend had once said that all I'd really want is someone to hold me tight - the bear hug kind of thing. Only, it's not so simple.

I've never been very comfortable sharing space with people. I'd rather say "Hi" from a distance than shake hands. And if I were to shake hands, my grip would be barely there - not the right way the etiquette experts would say. Touching someone's feet, Indian style: Fine. Them blessing me by stroking my head: Not so fine. Hugs: No. Air-kissing: Only if absolutely required as per norm as I discovered in France and Switzerland. A good friend had a habit of putting her arm around my waist, subconsciously. She would do it to all the girls around (she was more conscious around men). And though it would irritate the hell out of me, I wouldn't tell her. I thought it would hurt her feelings. Instead, I would step aside a yard away when I saw the hand coming.

Another had once started to hug me almost apologising, "I know you don't like hugs but I'll still give you one anyway for I am not going to see you for a long time." I didn't mind that, actually. It felt good, almost. 

I never thought my feeling this way could be classified as weird, till my friend told me, "Girls expect this." Probably I lack confidence in the human touch. Maybe it is because I want to use mine judiciously - like lightly placing a hand on a friend's shoulder to connect with her/him at a different level, or smoothen another's raw nerves or offer yet another one a sense of comfort in distress.

Blame it on the Bengali, European and Middle Eastern influences in my childhood, or perhaps not. Maybe I wasn't born for too many bear hugs and cuddles. I'd rather be called cold than warm if that defines it. It's about the space, the one that we forget about when we travel in crowded trains and buses. That space defines me - who I am. Close that gap and I feel stifled. Close it further and I choke. It may be weird but that's the way I am and I guess it's ok.